There are many people that I really and truly love. I hope they know that…but if they do know it, I am sure it is because I have somehow shown them…I simply have never felt comfortable saying “I love you” as a close to a conversation, telephone call, or social situation. I know many people who do say it, and I think it might approach the sort of rote recitation of “How are you?” or “Have a nice day”. It gets used in so many circumstances that it loses, if not its meaning, at least the impact. Expressing love for someone ought to have some importance. I really wonder if it is good to “love” everyone. Doesn’t that sort of dilute the emotion for the important people in your life? I guess this is a matter for religious and philosophical scholars to wrestle with. For me, I wrestle with the fact that I need to make sure the folks that I really do love, get the idea.
While love is the purest, perhaps most profound feeling that a human being experiences, I realize, for me, I will never be able to “love” everyone. There is simply too much stuff about the world we live in that I don’t like, much less love, and someone has to take the blame…so by definition I don't love them, and so the folks doing stuff that I don’t love will never
hear me say “I love you”. The folks dropping bombs on third world nations will never hear me say it. Nor will the idiots that throw beer cans out of their cars on freeway on ramps….don’t love them. I am none too fond of people that hold up liquor stores and steal car stereos, and drive tanks over defenseless villagers. But it occurs to me that in many instances, some one loves even the people that do these things, or perhaps not. Perhaps that is why they do those things. Perhaps some of the people that behave really badly do so because they never felt love and no one loves them, so they feel OK about holding up a convenience market, or spray painting expletives on freeway overpasses. Perhaps the absence of love creates some of this anti social behavior. Perhaps saying “I love you” can cure the world of some of its problems. Can it really be that easy?
I honestly feel love needs to be earned, but perhaps that is “trust”. Perhaps trust and love are related, though that would not really explain love at first sight, which is probably more akin to “lust”, but who’s counting---it feels good so how bad can it be? But love creates exceptions. I loved my children from the moment they were born…probably even before that, though it was far more abstract when they were riding around in the belly of my wife…but surely that does not mean you have to see someone to love them. I can love someone even if they are not in the room.
We are expected, though, to love our family...our husbands or wives, our children, our parents and siblings, even our pets. This kind of love is never earned, though I supposed it could be squandered. Even family members fall “out of love”…certainly husbands and wives do.
We love our friends in a totally different way. Our lives are made complete by the people that we love, and though our family comes upon us without too much insight or arrangement, we get to pick whom we call “friends”. In some ways, saying “you are my friend” is the most personal acknowledgement we can make. It is a willful choice, free of the complications of physical attraction, bonds of blood or even physical proximity. I have friends who I see only occasionally, but they are still people I count as friends. I also have family members (thankfully distant) that I would not call “friends”…and I wonder, do I love them if I cannot call them my friends?
Clearly a physical attraction is not necessary for love, though it surely helps when it comes to getting married and making babies. But I have women friends who I would not want to sleep with, that I consider friends, and by the same token, there are women I’d consider sleeping with far before I’d consider calling a friend. Love and sex are pretty clearly different things, and yet somehow related. We still refer to sex as “making love”. That can certainly lead to some perfunctory “I love you’s”.
Death seems to create an opportunity for abstract love. I still love my father even though he has been dead for many years. I understand and appreciate him a bit more with each passing day. I am sometimes amazed at how much he affects me even now, and most of the time, it is for the better, and for that I love him. Or is that appreciation? Or both?
And what about respect? Doesn’t love require respect? Can you really love someone that you do not respect? Once you lose respect for someone you love, doesn’t that also mean you love them less, if at all? Then again, I can respect someone without loving them...definitely. And I wonder, is lust simply love without respect?
When you add up all the factors it becomes a pretty complicated equation. At the risk of going all metaphysical, perhaps that equation is in fact the “meaning of life”...the unification of all the things that go into making a life meaningful. No doubt, love is an important part of a meaningful life.
Love then, takes some measure of trust, respect, appreciation, friendship, and can sometimes be amended by the presence of physical attraction or blood relationship. And, if we can choose our friends, doesn’t that mean we can choose whom we love?…and by definition, is it even possible to love everyone? I know people who profess to love everyone. I have heard it in church, at weddings, and funerals, and other visits to sacred events. I am not sure I believe it. So when I hear someone say I love you after every encounter, I am left wondering if that is true…can it be true? And if the words are so important, if love is such a vital part of our humanity, is it really a good idea to reduce it by overuse. If we even try to love everyone, how then do we separate our feelings for those who fail to meet the criteria described above…how do we elevate the folks we need in our lives just to get through the day?
On the other hand, it would be a shame if the people that I do love are unaware. That is a chance I should not take. So, even though I really try to show love through my actions, it won’t hurt to go ahead and say it. Of course, that creates a completely predictable and yet still surprising response….the incredulous stare. I have found if you do not tell someone you love them for long periods, and then you start again, they wonder what is going on. Wives wonder if you are having an affair, kids think you are weird, friends wonder if you are dying. It is not an easy transition and therefore requires an occasional explanation. My kids and wife know all about the daily changes I stumbling through, and so they give me a bemused smile and say “If you are going to say it, you really should mean it”….and that’s just the point. I do.
Update on Previous Life Changes:
As the grayness of a wet winter drags on, I am left to ponder how nice it would be to have to worry about sun block. Must confess, haven’t applied any in quite some time!
While love is the purest, perhaps most profound feeling that a human being experiences, I realize, for me, I will never be able to “love” everyone. There is simply too much stuff about the world we live in that I don’t like, much less love, and someone has to take the blame…so by definition I don't love them, and so the folks doing stuff that I don’t love will never
hear me say “I love you”. The folks dropping bombs on third world nations will never hear me say it. Nor will the idiots that throw beer cans out of their cars on freeway on ramps….don’t love them. I am none too fond of people that hold up liquor stores and steal car stereos, and drive tanks over defenseless villagers. But it occurs to me that in many instances, some one loves even the people that do these things, or perhaps not. Perhaps that is why they do those things. Perhaps some of the people that behave really badly do so because they never felt love and no one loves them, so they feel OK about holding up a convenience market, or spray painting expletives on freeway overpasses. Perhaps the absence of love creates some of this anti social behavior. Perhaps saying “I love you” can cure the world of some of its problems. Can it really be that easy?I honestly feel love needs to be earned, but perhaps that is “trust”. Perhaps trust and love are related, though that would not really explain love at first sight, which is probably more akin to “lust”, but who’s counting---it feels good so how bad can it be? But love creates exceptions. I loved my children from the moment they were born…probably even before that, though it was far more abstract when they were riding around in the belly of my wife…but surely that does not mean you have to see someone to love them. I can love someone even if they are not in the room.
We are expected, though, to love our family...our husbands or wives, our children, our parents and siblings, even our pets. This kind of love is never earned, though I supposed it could be squandered. Even family members fall “out of love”…certainly husbands and wives do.
We love our friends in a totally different way. Our lives are made complete by the people that we love, and though our family comes upon us without too much insight or arrangement, we get to pick whom we call “friends”. In some ways, saying “you are my friend” is the most personal acknowledgement we can make. It is a willful choice, free of the complications of physical attraction, bonds of blood or even physical proximity. I have friends who I see only occasionally, but they are still people I count as friends. I also have family members (thankfully distant) that I would not call “friends”…and I wonder, do I love them if I cannot call them my friends?
Clearly a physical attraction is not necessary for love, though it surely helps when it comes to getting married and making babies. But I have women friends who I would not want to sleep with, that I consider friends, and by the same token, there are women I’d consider sleeping with far before I’d consider calling a friend. Love and sex are pretty clearly different things, and yet somehow related. We still refer to sex as “making love”. That can certainly lead to some perfunctory “I love you’s”.
Death seems to create an opportunity for abstract love. I still love my father even though he has been dead for many years. I understand and appreciate him a bit more with each passing day. I am sometimes amazed at how much he affects me even now, and most of the time, it is for the better, and for that I love him. Or is that appreciation? Or both?
And what about respect? Doesn’t love require respect? Can you really love someone that you do not respect? Once you lose respect for someone you love, doesn’t that also mean you love them less, if at all? Then again, I can respect someone without loving them...definitely. And I wonder, is lust simply love without respect?
When you add up all the factors it becomes a pretty complicated equation. At the risk of going all metaphysical, perhaps that equation is in fact the “meaning of life”...the unification of all the things that go into making a life meaningful. No doubt, love is an important part of a meaningful life.
Love then, takes some measure of trust, respect, appreciation, friendship, and can sometimes be amended by the presence of physical attraction or blood relationship. And, if we can choose our friends, doesn’t that mean we can choose whom we love?…and by definition, is it even possible to love everyone? I know people who profess to love everyone. I have heard it in church, at weddings, and funerals, and other visits to sacred events. I am not sure I believe it. So when I hear someone say I love you after every encounter, I am left wondering if that is true…can it be true? And if the words are so important, if love is such a vital part of our humanity, is it really a good idea to reduce it by overuse. If we even try to love everyone, how then do we separate our feelings for those who fail to meet the criteria described above…how do we elevate the folks we need in our lives just to get through the day?
On the other hand, it would be a shame if the people that I do love are unaware. That is a chance I should not take. So, even though I really try to show love through my actions, it won’t hurt to go ahead and say it. Of course, that creates a completely predictable and yet still surprising response….the incredulous stare. I have found if you do not tell someone you love them for long periods, and then you start again, they wonder what is going on. Wives wonder if you are having an affair, kids think you are weird, friends wonder if you are dying. It is not an easy transition and therefore requires an occasional explanation. My kids and wife know all about the daily changes I stumbling through, and so they give me a bemused smile and say “If you are going to say it, you really should mean it”….and that’s just the point. I do.
Update on Previous Life Changes:
As the grayness of a wet winter drags on, I am left to ponder how nice it would be to have to worry about sun block. Must confess, haven’t applied any in quite some time!
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